President Misunderstands Lyrics, Starts War

During a press conference between the leaders of the United States and Russia, President Barack Obama made an unfortunate mistake while walking to greet Vladimir Putin. The President said in a press release, “I had this song stuck in my head from my workout this morning, and I didn’t even know I was singing it. It all happened so fast.” The mix up was caused by lyrics from Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix. The President sang “excuse me, while I kiss this guy” as he shook hands with Putin. The true lyrics are “excuse me, while I kiss the sky.”

Putin pulled his hand away in obvious disgust, and now refuses to call the President by name. In an effort to enhance his manliness, Putin later donned a lapel pin that said, “I don’t believe in fairies.”

Russia gained international attention in the year leading up to the recent Olympics for their anti-gay legislation. The law has banned the promotion of homosexuality to minors. News outlets have speculated that Putin’s reaction was required for fear of being arrested under his new law. Sources close to him say that he fears being arrested for his association with “the Queen” (Barack Obama), and that he will be forced to go to war.

The First Lady, Michelle Obama, is not surprised by the slip up. She says, “I recently had to take away the Presidential Karaoke Machine; he was getting out of hand.” When asked for a response to the First Lady’s comment, the President said, “It was a VocoPro DVD duet. In my spare time I like to sing. So what. I loved that machine, and without the ability to express my vocal talents, I guess it just exploded out of my subconscious.”

The President assures the nation that he will not tolerate such homophobic behavior. He plans to institute an embargo against Russia. American citizens have flocked in support of the nation’s leader, and demonstrations have occurred across the country.

Though the demonstrations have seen a huge outpouring of support, and represent the changes toward equality, some have failed in their attempt of anti-Russian acts. A news crew came upon a group of rowdy college students who claimed to ban the colors white, blue, and red in a protest against the Russian flag. When it was pointed out that those were the colors of the American flag, all chest bumping ceased, and the students retreated into their fraternity. In order to help boost their self-esteem, the news crew handed out rainbow flags and told the students to run along and play with their friends.

Many people have taken to social media to express their feelings on the matter. New pages have been created on Facebook and are titled “Let the President Sing,” “I Bet Putin is the Little Spoon,” and “I do believe in fairies.” Each page has been liked by millions of people. On Twitter, popular hashtags have emerged, such as #longlivequeenobama and #kissthisguy.

Putin has remained adamant in his homophobic position, and has been forced into hiding because of the outpouring on social media. His military advances have proved useless due to the inability for any nation to take him seriously. In a worldwide first, social media has effectively prevented war.

Michelle Obama has reinstated the President’s privilege of the karaoke machine in an attempt to prevent further issues.


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